Three flights of stairs? Ya gotta be kidding me

Today was a homework day.  I actually really enjoy these days on campus because there aren't any real timelines and I can just focus on what I need to get done.  All of the other days I am rushing between classes and racing to beat the clock in order to be home on time to pick Judah up from preschool.  I think this is the reason for my stress levels this semester.  I am on campus four days a week and between driving to school from Meridian and then going to work every other week, I simply live in my car for some of my days.  Boise drivers are polite, in fact too polite.  They will break on a green to let others merge.  It is nice when I am on the receiving end of such niceties, but when I am following behind a person who feels so inclined to be neighborly, I get angry.  The commute from my home is filled with all of those drivers and sometimes I hate being polite and would rather just get there.

Today I needed to get my test from my accounting teacher  She said to come up to her office during her scheduled hours.  After my studying I picked my ever increasingly heavy backpack and trudged in the rain to the business building. I have never been up to her office and so I thought, "hey it's on the third floor, I'll take the stairs for some quick cardio".  Bad idea; the stairs were much taller and longer than I had anticipated and when I passed floor two, I secretly hoped that she had picked up and moved all of her stuff onto that floor just for me.  By the time I made it to the third floor, I could feel my heart beat in my ears.  I felt like I couldn't get any air into my lungs and wanted to collapse onto the carpet.  I was trying to control my breath because there was a professor hanging out in his office and was staring at me.  I didn't want him to hear me sucking in air like an industrial fan.  Instead of collapsing, I opted for leaning against the wall and pretending as if I wasn't scared of dying.  My journey to the third floor was not met with reward because she didn't show.  I guess I shouldn't complain too much about it.  But then again, I like complaining.

I came home after class to find a different kind of reward left behind by my dog.  It wasn't gold or silver, and in fact it wasn't a metal at all, it was shit and a lot of it.  Oh there is nothing like the smell of dog crap to really enlighten the mind and invoke positive thinking.  I am considering putting that luscious smell into a yankee candle.  I did however get on the treadmill today in spite of my bad luck.  It was one of those days that the treadmill and my feet were in a tight friendship.  I was able to walk/jog 3 miles and I am really proud of that.  Judah came in part of the way through and he was impressed by the level of sweat accumulating on my back.  It was good to let him see me running.  That is what a parent should be showing their child.  Unlike the view of me scarfing down 4 Oreos yesterday.  Good thing I waited until he was in bed to commit my crime.      

Can't I have just a little peace and quiet?

I don't know what the problem has been these last few months, but it has been a terrifically horrible semester.  I haven't been able to stay focused or motivated to do anything.  I am currently taking a zoology/ecology class with a lab that makes me memorize so many different species that I want to scream.  I sit in lab frowning and groaning over every freaking microscope slide that I have to review and my classmates are practically dancing around and french kissing each other.  No one wants to complain with me about how shitty this class has been, which makes it even harder for me to get through.  I always find that one person who wants to be negative and silly with me usually, but I am trapped with a bunch of biology nerds that can find no fault with how ridiculous it is that we have to learn hundreds of species.  I want to hit all of them upside the head and while their hair is flung up in the air, I want to yell into their ears, "SHUT UP"!  Whoa, I went to a dark place.  Can you see how frustrating this class has been for me?

So many things about my life have had to take a back seat to my classes.  The fridge looks like an archaeology dig for ancient cottage cheese containers and old leftovers.  Scientists are amazed at the level of preservation for a lifestyle that once was.  My bathrooms look clean somewhat, but don't lift up the toilet seats for heaven's sake!!  I am trying but I am tired and worn out.  That phrase is simply scratching the surface of how I feel.  I called my mother a few weeks back wanting some insight and advice on how to feel better and unfortunately the only response I got from her was that being an adult sucks.  She had no phrases that could take away this unease.  Honestly, she didn't really try.  I think she has had one too many a night wondering what all of this is for.  It's hard for her to be empathetic after she has raised nine children.  My mother is better for car and home repair advice anyway.

I will say on a positive note that the semester only has about 4 weeks left.  The cloud of hatred is slowly lifting because I know that I am almost done with this class forever.  My kids are getting cuter and cuter.  Perhaps it is the level of dependency that is making it easier for me.  Ani Rose is potty trained and Judah had his training wheels taken off of his bike.  The journey of babies has come to a close for me.  A phase of life I was more than willing to unload.  Don't get me wrong, I love babies and when I see a mother nursing, I think about walking up to her and asking if I could take a turn nursing her young child as well.  I miss it and I don't at the same time.  It is hard work, which is why I would rather watch from a distance.  Older kids are more my style anyway.  They laugh at my jokes and I can impress them with my childish burps and zerberts.  Perhaps I need to evaluate why I like burping because I really do.  A LOT!

A few weeks ago I was contemplating why my butt has grown so much.  What a wonder I thought, there has been no change to my dietary habits that would cause this problem.  WRONG!  The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I drink a lot of calories.  Juices, soda, iced coffees were often on the menu for me on a daily basis.  So I decided that I was going to cut them out.  I still drink diet soda and I don't care how much literature you send my way, diet Dr. Pepper is a gift from the gods.  I did however make the choice to stop drinking coffee in the morning.  Usually I would load up on the creamer and sugar every morning and have more than one cup as well.  I would also purchase coffee from Starbucks and those suckers are at least 500 a piece.  I stopped cold turkey and I am actually glad that I did.  My mornings were filled with a sugar rush, which made me end up eating more throughout the day. I have even lost 4 pounds to show for it.  Yes I know, 4 pounds worth of calorie drinks.  So I would toss a piece of advice you way and tell you to avoid drinks with a lot of calories.  They really add up fast.  The last thing I need in my day is more calories.  I bet you could say the same for yourself as well.  

         

Stress? We don't need no stinking stress

Well I had to give in and drop some of my classes this semester.  I was unable to keep up with the assignments on all of them, so now I am just focusing on three instead of five.  I have such guilt when I drop classes, but on the other hand, I hate failing so I guess I will take the high road.  Adam and I have been on this schedule for over a year now.  We are raising the white flag.  There isn't enough time in the day to get everything done.  It feels like we have tried to get so much done that we haven't gotten anything done instead.  So in exchange, we cut down our schedules a little bit.  It has helped a lot and I was able to actually mow the lawn today.  It was starting to grow some serious Basidiomycota specimens.  Look it up because I might as well put some of this information that I have beat into my brain to good use and perhaps you will learn a little something today too.

I wanted to try out some of the pre-set workout options on the treadmill today.  I didn't feel like running today so I chose to do the brisk jog option.  It doesn't matter that I am not running because walking is just as beneficial to my health.  I wanted to do the mountains course and sweet baby Jebus it was hard.  I kept thinking, if this machine gets any higher into the air, the weight of my thunder thighs is going to send us both to the ground.  I was huffing so much that Ani had to strain to hear the tv.  I wanted to go for 30 minutes today, but after getting done with the most intense portion of the workout, I had to call it.  I made it 21 minutes and I know that I probably could have struggled through for another 9, but to be honest, it was hard getting to 21.  It is now my goal to do better on that course and perhaps complete the entire thing.  Then my thighs can get a little less thundery.

Jello Jiggler

I was feeling ambitious today when I woke up.  I love it when laundry gets started, dishes are done and bedrooms are clean before 10am.  Of course, I don't love being the person who is in charge of getting this work done.  To be honest, I hate and loathe housework.  I doubt there is anyone who loves it.  Sometimes I will ignore something on the counter or the floor for days before I decide to acknowledge the need to clean.  It also doesn't help that the kids come right behind me to make another mess.  But today was good and afterwards I hopped on the treadmill to get my sweat on.  Since the machine is in my room, I decided I might try running without a shirt on.  I get so hot when I workout and in normal exercising circumstances, I wouldn't be caught dead without a shirt on in public, but since I was in the privacy of my own home I gave it a shot.

It was ok.  I mean it was nice to feel the air cooling me a lot more efficiently but when I looked down I felt like my skin had a layer of jello hidden beneath it.  Things were bouncing and reverberating in ways that shouldn't be mentioned in social circles.  I am sure that microscopic creatures hearing my thunder clap would have to dig themselves a hidey-hole until the jogging was through.  Otherwise, they might go deaf and possibly run the risk of losing limbs if they got caught in the kill zone.  I can imagine it now:
"Janet get the kids inside, the fatty is lowing the treadmill track."
"What?"
"Dammit Janet we don't have time for silly games, get Angelica and George inside!"
Poor little microbes.  It didn't matter that my jello-jiggly chub was bouncing to and fro, the point is I was on the damn machine attempting to be rid of aforementioned problem.  I guess a few microbe families are going to have to sacrifice their homes for my benefit.  Wait, where am I?  Where was I going?

Ok it's been a while

Well the semester is three weeks in and I am already losing my mind.  We decided that due to the stress levels and the fact that I have three freaking kids, I have had to lower the number of credits I am taking.  The moment that I dropped some of my classes, I immediately felt better.  I need to remember that there is no timeline and rushing through only causes premature gray hairs and the feeling of utter anxiety.  This week has been really stressful for me.  First, my car breaks down on Friday while I was going 70 on the highway and had to merge over before being completely stranded during rush hour traffic.  Then I had to rent a car for the week because Adam needed to be able to get to work and it is not cheap to do so.  Today I got the ever daunting news of a shot transmission from the mechanic and then immediately had to begin looking for another car before another week of a rental car.  Are you feeling stressed yet?  I am.

Last week Adam and I were talking about how he was having trouble getting to the gym.  In the year that we have paid for the YMCA, he has gone just a handful of times.  I don't blame him, he can't go with me during the day and then when he gets home at night, he has to do homework.  I know I wouldn't go if I were in his shoes.  The only reason why I was able to lose weight before was the fact that my sister Rachel would drop off one of her kids to watch mine and we'd all go workout together. Now it has become more difficult and feels almost impossible.  Sooo...we looked at what it would cost to buy our own treadmill versus continuing to pay for a monthly membership.  Hey guess what?  The cost was literally the same and the benefit to having one at home is the lack of excuses.  There are none.  We bought one and after lugging it into our bedroom and assembling it, we are so happy with this decision.  Already we have been logging hours onto it.  I feel good and it helps to relieve the stress of my week.  Now that I have less on my plate, it should be even easier.  I ate celery last night for crying out loud.

Oh where to begin

The last week leading up to the starting of school is really stressful.  I wasn't really ready to start the new semester and now that I am two days into it, I am STILL not ready to start the semester.  There are some days I wake up and wish that I had nothing on my docket.  Yesterday I was able to spend 1.5 hours at home with no kids and there was plenty to do around the house.  The dishes were dirty, laundry needed to be folded and the house was in overall disarray.  I chose to watch Steve Harvey instead.  No, I am not usually a Steve Harvey fan, but he was helping me escape what I was ignoring for at least a little while.  Yesterday I rode my bike into campus and I enjoyed the ride.  There is something about letting your mind wander whilst you feel the wind rush through your hair that makes you feel alive.  Maybe this means I need to invest in a motorcycle again.  I don't know how often I will be able to post this semester.  I will try to get my fitness on wherever I can, but I am taking full-time classes.  After toting kids back and forth to daycare as well as using my brain cells to remember information, I have very little energy to do anything else.  Not to mention that I still have the house to take care of.  Oh crap, I am getting stressed out just thinking about it.  It's a conundrum isn't it?  If you take the time to work out, you will have more energy to get through the day, but where can you find the time?  I already have to wake up at 6:30 to be to class by 9.  Oh geez, I gotta quit complaining and find the time.  It'll be better for me in the long run.

Summertime Blues

This summer I have been taking online courses through Boise State in order to be that much closer to being done with my degree.  Initially when I planned my schedule back in April, I thought it would be a great idea.  I was looking at dates and everything looked to be just right.  I was able to take the classes without a hitch, but I feel like I completely lost my summer.  I wasn't able to completely calm down because there was always looming homework in the background.  I just finished the last of my classes leaving me with only one week of relaxation before I have to start a new whole new semester.  Ugg to the max.  Am I happy that I was able to complete two more classes?  Yes but next summer I am going to think long and hard before I schedule myself out for the entire three months.  

I have been staying busy this week.  I did some free weights at the gym next to all of the other meatballs and it was so stressful.  They didn't do anything to me to make me be afraid, but they all watch each other.  It is a creepy place if you don't have a buddy and especially if you are a woman.  I feel like I need to take a male body part with me to wave around and assert my dominance; mark my territory if you will.  Otherwise I get the stink eye when I take up space in front of the mirrors.  My training session was a good one because I was sore for the next three days.  I am trying to get my upper body more toned and so I opted to use the barbells.  There is a major difference between using the weight machines and using barbells.  I feel like a get a better burn when I use the free weights.  Instead of localized training, more of my body is in motion.  

Another great thing happened yesterday, Adam hooked up the child buggy to my bike so I can now pull the kids behind me when we go on bike rides.  Usually he is the one to do it, but I asked him to switch it over to mine and I am glad that I did.  I felt my legs burning and my muscles engaged, which is great.  Now I can take the kids on rides when I am bored.  One might ask, hey Pat why don't you just ride Adam's bike when you take the kids out?  Well friend, let me tell you.  He has a skinny little bike seat.  I feel like my butt is slowly fusing to the seat making it feel like I am riding on my pelvis bone.  It is painful and leaves my inner thighs sore for days.  No thank you.    

Grim Death Nearly Grabbed My Hand

I have a pretty great narrative for today but before I get started, let me clear the air by saying that I completely and utterly quit my cleanse.  I was unprepared for how much produce I was going to have to consume in a day.  I was positive about the whole thing, until...well I wasn't.  There are only so many apples a human can consume in one day before the taunts of an actual meal no longer can be suppressed.  I haven't picked it back up because it seems like a bad idea in retrospect.  Why would anyone take the goodness of eating away?  I know that this is being said ironically because I am a fatty that needs to seriously address her eating habits, but let's be honest, was I really going to change how I was eating just from a cleanse?  No probably not.  I failed, let's not dwell on it.

Today is a wonderful Sunday.  I slept in and then was able to enjoy a lovely brunch with my family.  All was going well until Adam mentioned that he wanted to go on a hike.  He loves to go on hikes but I simply do not.  What is so interesting about trudging up a mountain side, getting all sweaty and constantly jumping out of the way of pesky grasshoppers?  I obliged today because I like spending time together as a family outside.  It gets the kids to interact with nature and we all know that all of us could use the fresh air.  In the beginning of spring, we were feeling the effects of cabin fever and decided to try out the hike otherwise known as "Table Rock".  To say that I felt like dying was a gross understatement.  The entire journey felt like I was carrying big bags of bricks on my ankles.  I didn't want to do this hike again for quite some time, so today when Adam suggested that this be the place of our adventure, immediately my belly began to turn but I chose to suck it up and enjoy myself.

I have been going to the gym pretty regularly lately.  I felt good about my physical ability when we first started and was excited that I wasn't totally out of breath when we began.  Madeline almost from the beginning of the hike began to complain about it.  She is not what you'd call physical.  She'd prefer to sit and look pretty instead of doing anything active.  Jude was running around like a mad dog and Ani Rose got the luxury of Adam's shoulders for her journey up.  I'd say we were half way up the mountain when I turned to Adam and said, "this is great, I am not even out of breath".  He said good, but with a slight tone of uh huh, just wait we haven't hit the hard part yet.  We rounded the corner where the flat area ended and the steepest portion of our journey began.  I looked up at what we were supposed to walk and my eyes became wide and the trail seemed to get longer with every passing glance.  I whispered swears under my breath as my spawn were in earshot of hearing me but I continued to trudge on.  Soon the water was gone, my mouth was dry, and I wondered what in the hell we were doing out in this wilderness.  Meanwhile, Adam carrying a 30 pound child couldn't have been happier.  It's times like these when I want to run with a long stick and knock all the happy people on the trail down.  How dare they be happy when I am so miserable?  Where are they finding the energy?

The hike got more and more steep and uneven.  I was breathing like a large barn yard animal getting ready to birth its calf.  Adam kept reassuring not only me, but the two older kids as well that we were so close to the top.  I didn't believe him and I was right to.  The mountain was slowly swallowing up my soul.  The bricks that were on my ankles in the spring suddenly reappeared but I couldn't go back now.  I would walk past people who were on their way down and I would see in their eyes that they were genuinely concerned for my well being.  It was shorter to the top than to the bottom but I would still look back and imagine myself tucking into a ball and getting back down in like 10 seconds.  Finally as my husband had promised, the end was in sight, but as a last F-you to every person scaling that hike, there are a set of steep rock steps that you have to take to the top.  I felt like crying as I lifted my feet to climb.  Out of freaking nowhere a grasshopper had the nerve to try and scare me.  Try isn't the right word, he successfully scared me, but I lacked the energy to properly flail around.  Instead I kind of made a groan-grunt sound and clumsily swung my arms to shoo him away.

The last and final step meant I had made it to the top of table rock.  I was proud of myself, but didn't really get that elation that a person might get when tackling something so daunting.  I looked for a water fountain knowing full well that there was no such thing as a fountain in nature that wouldn't give you dysentery if you drank from it, so I sat down instead.  The view was beautiful and my body was sore, just as any good workout at the gym delivers.  When Maddie complained about her legs, Adam reminded her that when your body hurts it means you are working hard.  I took this as good advice.  My body did need to hurt, otherwise, what is the point of a workout?

I will say that even though the incline was a total son of a bitch to climb, I was able to catch my breath quickly.  I felt myself being stronger this go around than I did in the spring.  I am proud of that silly hike.  It was hot and the kids were totally done when we got back to the car, but I felt happy once we were on our way back home.  All of my efforts to workout paid off in the form of not letting grim death take me to the place where failed hikers go, Kentucky.  I am so happy that I went back to table rock today.  I know that my story was a tad dramatic, but it all really happened.  Someone needs to make a movie.  It'll be a box office smash.              

Today Feels Like The Day

I have decided that today is the day to do my cleanse.  I didn't want anything that would be too long and thought that a two week plan would be just enough of a struggle to push through.  My sister sent me some texts about how her husband was told to do a cleanse recommended by his doctor.  I think this might be a good trail to follow.  It consists of two weeks of fruit and vegetables for the day with protein at dinner time.  With anything, I find myself thinking it over and talking myself out of it, which is why it is happening today.  If I waited until Monday instead of today, I'd lose 4 days of detox time.  That's 4 days longer that I have to go and anyway, why is Monday always the starting point?  Because everyone wants a few more days of freedom before sentencing.  I am tired of the freedom, my butt has had enough freedom, no what I need is hard time.  I am the type of person who doesn't like to deprive myself of anything.  It is a real problem and I acknowledge that, which is why I think I need to do this detox.  I know that I am not going to lose 50 pounds in two weeks, that really isn't the point.  It is a way of starting fresh and to clean out the pipes so to speak.

I am also thinking about the support that I receive on the daily.  My sister Chris calls me when she sees that I haven't posted for a few days just to make sure that everything is ok.  My other sister Briana sends me things that show that it is ok to make mistakes.  Of course I cannot forget Dara.  She has been on my side since the beginning, four years ago.  It's amazing the power of social media.  I want to send a thank you to everyone that reads this old blog.  I really appreciate the support.

Hi There

Umm can we talk about the fact that it is already August?  When the crap did that happen?  My parents came into town from Thursday to Sunday and I'd like to say that it was spent exercising and eating right, but I shall not fib.  We ate lots of junk food and didn't really do anything in the way of physical exercise.  On the upside, I scored a brand new bike that was purchased at an auction by my father.  It was unexpected and I was grateful for it.  Yesterday was a day that I had planned on going to the gym, but when I awoke in the morning, I was greeted by a mountain of laundry and a dirty house.  Thinking about it now, I realize that I didn't clean my house for four days while my parents were here.  Today was spent going to dentist appointments and grocery shopping followed by more laundry.  I feel as if laundry is a curse and wish that I could throw my clothes away and start with new ones daily to avoid doing it.  The tedious task of folding endless amounts of clothing can send me into a spiral some days.  The pile remains the same size regardless of how many shirts get taken out of it.  Don't even get me started on the sock pile.

I think I need to be more concerned with my diet than I am.  I do the work of going to the gym, I should be seeing a much bigger payout than I have been.  Perhaps ice cream in the evening isn't really helping my well being, even though I get hot and bothered just thinking about consuming a giant, caramel laced bowl of delicious iced cream daily.  I will walk through the frozen treat section of the grocery store and talk dirty to all the options in each lustful and dreamy glass partition.  I try to look conspicuous, but I doubt I am doing a very good job.  I'll even try to ignore the ice cream but sneak a peek through my peripheral vision before begrudgingly heading towards the bread section.  I often don't buy these things because I know what I will do to them once I get home.  It involves a spoon but don't worry, there is no evidence to prove that I was the perpetrator; I leave no trace.  Wait, where am I?

Anyway, I am contemplating a detox cleanse to help me on my journey.  I don't want anything too long because I know I won't finish.  I am going to have to do some research on the matter.  I have to work tonight, but I do plan on getting my butt to the gym tomorrow morning.  Good luck to anyone else who struggles with this problem.  It's such a bitch sometimes to have discipline.  

Call the Whambulance, I'm dying

Some times when I head to the gym I get these grand ideas as to how my workout is going to play out.  Today was no exception as I trotted my way upstairs to the gym equipment.  My jog was ok, nothing really amazing to note, except that I finished.  Then I decided to tackle my legs.  I did a vast array of sets including leg curls, leg extensions, hip abductors, leg press, calf exercises and shoulder presses.  To say that my body was jelly was an understatement.  I was looking at the dirty towel bin and realized that it was taking far more energy than usual to take the towel off my shoulder to toss it into the bin.  Then my empty water bottle suddenly felt like it weighed a million tons.  I scrunched my brow and decided that I had to be stronger than the bottle.  I feel a wave of euphoria mixed with another wave of nausea.  I am proud of the jelly but holy crap it hurts to get there.  Even now as I write this I am sprawled out on the carpet wondering if I will ever be able to get back up again.  Thank goodness for seven year olds that can assist me in my tasks.

I have been recently incorporating crunches to my daily routine.  It takes maybe 10 minutes, but after only two weeks, I have noticed that my shirts are not fitting as tight as they used to.  Another hooray for me was that Adam noticed that I looked better as well.  I always love hearing from him that I look better.  It is harder for people who see you everyday to notice subtle changes so the fact that he did makes me very satisfied with my progress.  It also makes me want to keep going, which is why my body is dead right now.  Motivation is key to success.

I have to give a shout out to my friend Jill, for I just found out that in order for her to get a workout in for the day, she is waking her butt up at 6am because she knows that it will not get done otherwise.  There are so many obstacles we all face when it comes to our fitness and so many of us, including me, have found ways to justify not taking care of our bodies.  Good job Jill!!

    

I am going to rant...right...now

As most of my readers know, I am a mother of three children.  It is hard to miss that fact because they are in almost all of my postings and usually not in a very positive light.  Don't get me wrong, I love my children very much and I truly love watching them grow, but that being said, I have some bones to pick about parenthood.  My entire life has been surrounded by little children.  My brothers were younger than I was and right when they were getting out of the little phase, my older sisters began to procreate.  I have brought mine into the world and now that they are bigger, guess what?  My brothers have now started to have their own as well.  It is a vicious cycle that I don't think anyone has thought about for very long, because if they did, the thought of raising children might actually scare them into celibacy.

I am about facts in my life.  I like dealing in realities and my children are no exception.  Let's make a list of the pros and cons of what children do while raising them.
Cons:

• Loss of sleep
• Varying bodily fluids such as puke, poop, pee, snot, chewed food, and sneezes spread everywhere up to and including clothing, drapery, floors, beds, hair, furniture, and body.
• Seemingly endless crying and age is not a factor, they cry almost everyday about something.  (My 4 year old is sprawled on the floor right now crying about the lack of cookies in his belly).
• Messy rooms including dumped out toy boxes, stuffed animals, legos or cars that get stepped on by me, and clothing strewn into every corner of the house.
• Sticky hands
• Messy faces and clothes despite intervention
• Dirty walls including pencil, pen, handprints, nail polish, and food
• Squeezed out toothpaste on the countertops
• Inconsolable when things don't go their way
• Fighting with siblings over the stupidest things
• Car seats
• Doctor's appointments
• Forced to push them indefinitely on the swings at the park
• Broken personal effects that once had sentimental value
• Bed time that turns into listening to them scream for an hour after putting them down.  
• No more roller coaster rides, water slides, fairs, carnivals, or movies without either someone sitting out or someone toting them around the entire time.  
• Wanna go out after 7?  Hahahaha forget that right now, don't try it's pointless
• Being asked "why?' approximately 5,930 times daily.
• Being told "no" even when you are tying to help their wellbeing
• Every single piece of food that you try to eat has to be shared amongst the clan
• Climbed on relentlessly
• Any type of food will be rejected and thrown 
• They are stubborn little boogers and threats don't work
• Interrupted bathroom and bedroom time by little fingers trying to break through the small space between the door and the floor.
• For women: sacrificed 40 weeks of your life and body to bring them into this world and then another year of nursing which adds up to almost two full years of a baby stealing your nutrients from you.  

Ok now that seems really harsh.  Is any of it a lie?? I dare any person with a child to read that list and tell me that they have not experienced some or all of those bullet points in your life as a parent.

Pros:

• They are cute little versions of yourself
• They are optimistic and have lots of energy
• You will usually get kisses and hugs 
• They will always be happy about getting ice cream
• You were able to see them grow from nothing to a human, it's an awesome sight
• They snuggle sometimes
• They listen to stories and songs and are completely enthralled with every word
• When you get to watch them sleep, they are so peaceful and this will bring joy to your heart
• They love you for who you are
• They are yours

Here's a fact, the cons list is obviously much longer than the pros but in the end, kids are ok.  Don't get me wrong; it's hard and frustrating, but be patient because they grow so fast.  I need to remember that when Judah tells me he wanted yellow cheese and not white cheese in his grilled sandwiches and even though I tell him it's the same thing but he still refuses my offer of food. On another note, I did workout today and it was great.  I could barely finish my arm set because I burned them out, but that is precisely the point.  I am feeling great about it and I am glad I started the week out right.  I felt a tad self conscious when I strolled into the gym wearing a workout shirt that was a tad too small.  Even though I was covered, I felt completely exposed.  I know no one gave a crap, but I still felt weird.  I wish I could work out in a hidden portion of the gym completely designated to my health and no one else.  That would be great.  Who do I talk to about that?      

  

Well at least I was right

Yesterday I mentioned that my two year old was sick and by 4:00 last night she was sounding oh so terrible.  I went into the pediatrician's office fully intending them to tell me that she was going to be just fine, but it turns out, she had pneumonia in her right lung.  The odd thing about this story is that she barely began showing symptoms yesterday.  They had to give her steroids and a breathing treatment before sending her over to get an x-ray.  The doctor told me that if I had waited to bring her in, she could have been really sick.  Ani was happy as a clam, but she couldn't breath, so I am glad I listened to my instinct and for once my nervousness about my children's ailments actually paid off.  That being said, today my workout was once again put on the back burner.  It's ok though, it was something legitimate and I am so happy that I didn't have to see Ani get really sick.  I would've felt terrible for waiting.  Tomorrow is Saturday, which means it's time to spend with Adam.  He may want to hit up the gym, but I highly doubt it.  I don't mind chillin' in bed and letting the morning pass me by.  That's what the weekends are for right?

I'll admit it...I've been lazy

Last week I had every intention of working out, but before I knew it, it was Thursday night and we were heading to go camping the next morning.  I don't know what it is about camping, but it leads to so much overeating.  It's like the trees are whispering that it's perfectly fine to eat yourself sick.  Then they laugh about it when you go to sleep saying, "what a stupid human, she falls for it time and time again."  I had set up the inflatable mattress for Adam and myself to avoid sleeping on the ground, but my children beat me to the punch and I didn't want to risk waking them up to switch places.  I used to be able to sleep on the ground when I was a child with no problem.  Now it's like every pebble digs into my back and I seem to lose all function of my vertebrae.  I had no pillow because one had mysteriously vanished from unpacking and so I had to fashion a poor excuse for one out of my sweater.  I was cold and uncomfortable and by the time the morning came, I felt like I had wrestled with macho man Randy Savage.  My body hurt and I was ready to go home.  I then spent the rest of Saturday trying to erase all memory of the campfire from our clothing and bedding.  I like camping, but then at the same time, I hate camping.

When Monday rolled around, I had very little energy to do anything.  I am currently in a summer funk where I watch and listen to my children being monsters and wonder if there is a place that I can hide.  There isn't for the record; they know everywhere I go and I cannot simply run away.  They'd just follow me outside asking me where we were going.  I wonder if practicing the art of the serpentine maneuver would work to break the scent of my trail?  Eeh, I guess I will keep being their mother and love them even though they drive me bonkers sometimes.  I didn't want to workout even though I knew darn well it would help the situation.  Instead I have opted for a daily nap.  It has been wonderfully lazy and even though I always get twinges of guilt for taking a nap, I did it anyway.

Last night I decided that I was going to get my butt back to the gym and was excited for it.  This morning however, I was greeted with a beyond sick toddler.  Her lungs are rattling, her nose is runny and I cannot justify exposing anyone to her right now.  It bummed me out that she interrupted my plan today.  She even put herself back to bed so I know she isn't feeling well.  So to combat the feeling of defeat I did crunches and pushups.  Judah even joined in but not before jumping on my stomach.  He's loads of fun that one.  Tomorrow I hope she is feeling better, although I tend to doubt it for how sick she is today, but I will try to be optimistic.  I need to get back to the gym.  I feel too lazy.                

Slower pace, rocked the race

I was scheduled to walk/jog three miles with added strength training for today.  I was looking forward to it because I haven't been to the gym since last Thursday.  I have stayed busy doing other things, but I was ready to get back to the routine.  I started out my pace as I normally do which is usually a 4.8 on the treadmill.  However, I was getting winded and thought to myself that I wasn't going to improve as long as I kept doing these short bursts of jogging.  I reduced my speed to a 4.4 which is equivalent to a 13:38 mile.  I wasn't so concerned with how fast I was going, but rather how long I was keeping a steady pace.  Wouldn't you know it, I was able to jog most of my workout.  I had a half a mile left and was losing steam, but I was so close.  I took a breather for a minute and pumped myself up to finish.  When I saw the machine turn over to 3 miles I had so much elation fill my bones, I had to throw my fist up into the air.  I may not be a fast runner, but I finished the way I wanted to and who can argue with that?

I focused my weight training on legs today and after my workout I had legs like jelly but a soul full of pride.  I love good workout days.  It makes the bad ones tolerable, but it also makes you feel so invincible.  I have a jawbone pedometer that keeps track of my steps and my sleep schedule.  My daily goal is 10,000 steps and I have already met it today and it's only 1:30.  No one can bring me down today, I am unstoppable!!    

That didn't feel like a rest day

Mondays according to my workout schedule is intended to be a rest day.  However, it usually isn't for me.  Monday also happens to be trash day and because I hate the smell of hot grass clippings in my garage, I try to mow my lawn before the guys come to empty my trash bins.  It started out as a simple mowing, but as I do with most things, I looked around and noticed that there was a lot more yard work to be done.  The house we live in already has established landscaping which is convenient.  At our house in Idaho Falls, the word landscape wasn't even heard of in the neighborhood.  Weeds were a way of life back then.  I don't know if it is because I am getting older or if I feel a sense of responsibility, but I enjoy doing yard work now.  Everything except weeding, that freakin' sucks and it always will.  I trimmed and beautified both the front and back yards today and was feeling so awesome.  The neighbors will be in envy of my dedication I am sure of it and hopefully they didn't notice when I walked into the weed whacker's path and nicked my shin.  Luckily the machine was off when I did it and I only caught the rotation after it had begun to slow down.  Otherwise I would have done some serious damage.  I really should be more careful with power tools.  

When I came inside I was still feeling pretty ambitious.  I used that energy to scrub both bathrooms and by the time I was done it was 1 o'clock and I had forgotten to eat lunch.  That Phil Collins was just helping me get through my chores so I didn't notice.  Maddie came to ask me a question and stopped to say, "eew, your shirt is so wet and gross mom." I don't know what it is about my family members feeling the need to point out my absolute disgustingness when it is visible. I am more than aware of my appearance, but I guess it is bad enough for her to say something.  Oh well, at least I was productive during my rest day.  My jogging schedule is the same as it was last week.  I am happy for that because when I saw that I have to jog 4 miles next week I took a mini panic breath.  It's good that I am slowly building up to higher mileage otherwise, I may think that I can't do it and get the urge to quit.

On another note, I took the kids swimming on Friday and when I sat down on the chairs provided, my thighs fit a little better in it than the last time I was there.  It may seem insignificant to some, but I am happy to notice when the little things start adding up.  Maybe the next time I sit in the pool chairs, I will once again notice an even better fit for me and my rather grande thighs.

Kids Man

Sometimes I get in these moods when I am wandering throughout the house.  I look around and see all the little things that need to be done, like scrubbing dirty handprints off my wall or finding all of the hidden children's underwear with mysterious brown stains on them.  Today I decided to tackle both Maddie and Judah's room.  When I say tackle I literally mean just that.  Maddie has a habit of collecting all of her doodles and paintings.  This wouldn't be so bad, but there seem to be thousands of pieces of paper strewn throughout her room.  I enjoy her artwork, but let's be honest, I am not going to save every piece.  My house would start to look like a crazy lady's who collects every newspaper that has ever crossed the threshold of her door.  No, I am sentimental but only in small doses.

I was able to find the carpet in her room but I also found marker doodles done by my two year old over every piece of furniture.  I have had to invest some serious cash in Mr. Clean's magic erasers for without them, I would be forced to repaint every wall in my house. Ani Rose has a keen sense of cleaned walls and like any wild animal, will soon mark her territory in the form of marker, pen, or pencil scribbles.  Right now there are pen markings all over her room that I simply cannot get out.  I will paint them in due time, but right now she can just look at her artwork; it seems to be what she wants to do anyway because as soon as I clean them, not 24 hours goes by before a fresh batch has appeared.  

I then tackled Judah's room and after what seemed like three hours, I was finished.  Both rooms were practically sparkling and of course, it didn't take long for Ani to come in and throw stuffed animals right back onto the carpet.  Some days she is beyond a monster and hopefully the terrible two's are almost over with this one.  So I decided that rather than get overly angry about stupid toys, I packed the kids up and went to run the 2 miles I was scheduled to do today.  One of the employees who watches the kids mentioned to me that it must be hard getting three kids ready to bring to the gym.  It is hard, which is why it took so long for me to start do it on a regular basis.  I feel like a mother goose with her chicks following behind her sometimes.  One day I will be able to just get myself ready and go, but today is not that day.  It's ok, I don't mind teaching them what you need to do to be healthy.      

I am feeling quite happy about my progress this week.  I have gone to the gym three days in a row and I really cannot remember the last time I did that.  I feel great and today when I got up from sleeping I began to notice my efforts.  My legs were firmer and my stomach wasn't such a mess.  I didn't hate looking at myself and I know it will only get better the longer I progress.  Slow and steady wins the race and right now I am that little turtle that keeps moving.    

Today was a killer

Last year I taped a couch to half marathon jogging schedule on my closet wall.  I have been looking at this stupid thing for all this time, but haven't had the guts to take it down.  If I took it down, then it meant that I was giving up.   Let's be honest, there was a time last year that I had no intention of exercising or bettering myself, but I was in denial about how out of shape I had gotten.  Plus, it was conveniently hidden behind a BSU flag that is also tacked up in my closet.  I know what you are thinking, flags, workout agendas; what is going on in this closet?  It is my little haven where I can hide from my kids when I have had enough and a place to hang up my football loyalties but most importantly, it's where my clothes are; and while I am standing there naked and trying to decide what to wear, it's nice to see my goals reminding me of what I want to accomplish.

I was looking at it last night and noticed that I was pretty close to being on schedule to move onto the next week of the workout.  It said for today that I needed to walk/jog a 3 miler and lift weights.  I thought that would be a great idea and it was until I hit the brick wall at about 35 minutes in.  I was almost done with the 3 miles, but it was such a struggle to lift my legs.  I was on a jog 5 minutes and walk 3 minutes routine, but I had to adjust to 3 minutes jogging and 2 minutes walking.  I finished but only after completely draining all of my energy.  I was proud of that jog.  I was sweaty and exhausted, but that is the secret recipe for success.  I almost didn't lift any weights but decided that I had better keep to my goal.  I worked on shoulders and arms today.  I didn't do it for very long, maybe ten minutes, but at least I did it.  It took all of my energy to walk down the stairs to go get the kids.  To make matters worse, when I was walking out with all of the kids, Ani Rose decided to do her famous sprint for the road.  My already tired body had to once again get into gear.  I caught her on the other side of the street and immediately wanted to give her a what-fer.  However, there were people watching my mothering skills and so I had to play it cool.  How dare this turd make me run again; doesn't she know how tired I was?  It wasn't funny and I am really quite peeved at this little trick of hers.  This isn't the first time she has run directly into danger for the laughs.  Ah well it wasn't the end of the world, but it sure feels like it; stinkin kid.

Getting ready for the fourth

I have been in good spirits this week.  Yesterday I mowed and weeded my yard for almost two hours and I didn't mind at all.  Last night I had the urge that I wanted to go workout today.  I woke up and didn't hesitate to get to the gym.  The interval training of jog/walking was a bit more tiring for me today, but I finished it.  I then went and lifted weights targeting my legs.  I always love leg days because it gives me great satisfaction to see my thigh muscles pop and for a moment I don't feel so chubby.  

I am planning to go to Oregon with my brother to his in-laws house.  I will reap the benefits of someone else owning a boat so that I might ride the white waves of the lake.  I love boating and while I may never be able to justify ever buying one for myself, I will always welcome other people to make that decision to own one.  This way I can befriend a nice couple who will invite me to join them on the water for the small cost of a batch of cookies and some soda without all the fuss of insuring such a motorized craft.  I am great company and perhaps this couple will find my inappropriate jokes about stereotypes funny and in turn offer their own jokes, hopefully dirty in nature.  We will laugh all the day long.  This is my dream and no it will not be happening this weekend.  I will need to remember that not everyone finds my humor hilarious.  I will however, still enjoy the company and offer jokes that more people might enjoy.  One day that couple will find me; wherever they are. 

The will to survive

Today was a day that started with a two-year old body slamming me to ask for oatmeal.  I had a frown plastered on my face from the get go.  I suppose this all stems from the 100+ degree heat wave we have been experiencing which in turn leads me to be completely locked down.  I simply will not go anywhere for more than 23 minutes without the ever erotic feel of cool air blowing on my sweaty face.  Sometimes walking into a cold house after feeling my back sweat race to my butt crack is better than anything.  Wait, that may be a tad too graphic, but it's the truth.  I do not handle hot weather very well.  

Anyway, I was in a grouchy mood and decided to combat the feelings of wanting to hide from my children permanently by heading off to the gym.  I was quite positive to be there.  I wanted my Patty time and this was a great place to get it.  I went jogging and alternated between jogging and fast walking.  It was just what the doctor ordered.  I also lifted some weights and I think this was the kicker for me.  I like lifting weights and I feel like it awakens my whole body and forces my body to use muscles that would otherwise keep hiding out.  My friend Christa introduced me to this practice and today I missed her.  I needed her to help me feel more confident about being in the weight area.  Plus she challenged me to push myself.  It is such weird place and most people feel intimidated by it.  Don't be, your body can benefit so much from weight lifting.  I feel like people eye ball each other so much more in the weights area.  Maybe it's because no one feels confident to be there.  They look around to see what other people are doing so they can copy them.

Well I felt good today and was even more proud of myself for going.  Our friend Anthony asked me on Saturday how my workout was going and for a second I thought myself a failure for not going that day, but then I realized that it is a daily struggle and I shouldn't be embarrassed.  I don't feel like a failure today and I know I won't be tomorrow either.

Wha?? I have literally been here the entire time

Yes I do exist for those of you who thought that I had disappeared into some other mystic realm.  I do understand that I have not acknowledged this blog which is supposed to be transparent in nature.  I could give you plenty of excuses as to why I have not posted and I could weave a dramatic reason for my choices, but instead, I will break it down quite simply; I was feeling sorry for myself.  I had experienced the second week lull and fell for the ever so easy trap of thinking that all of my problems would be fixed within a week.  Of course I had tons of motivation the first week, everyone does.  It is always the subsequent weeks that make up the bread and butter of weight loss.

I have done this path before.  Why is it still so difficult?  Why do I constantly feel like I am on an uphill climb?  I think I thought that all of my healthy habits that I learned before would suddenly reappear and make my life so much easier.  When I think about the things I did before that ended up in success; the recipe is quite simple.  I cut out most of my dessert consumption and I stopped going out to eat.  Those were the two biggest catalysts for me.  Guess what I have been doing these last 13 days?  You got it! I was eating like a monster and going out instead of preparing my own meals.  The workouts before started slow and while regaining calories is always a plus when playing the calorie game, it wasn't the only process in motion.  I was literally obsessed with everything I was eating.  I was meticulous in my records and had to confidence and energy to keep it going.   The other thing that is different from before was the fact that I only had a two year old and a baby at the time.  Now I have a 7, 4, and 2 year old.  They keep me exhausted and thinking about getting out to exercise is sometimes more than I can bear.

Again, I said I wasn't going to list excuses, but like most people with an addiction, I try to justify my actions in any way possible.  In the words of my older sis, I need to pick one thing that I know I can control and start with that.  I have thought about it for a few days now and I think the biggest problem that I face is what I said before, dining out and too many desserts.  I am going to focus on dining out.  Heaven knows I don't need to be spending money that I really don't have to save a little time in food preparation.  I can cook my meals and certainly better than what is being offered at a standard eatery.  I need to be more prepared for my meals to make it easier to choose home than going out.  This is what I will be focused on.  I can't keep playing the rollercoaster.  It is actually more tiring than just sticking to something and seeing it through.      

Soooo...

This week started out really positive.  I had everything under control, until the birthday party.  On Thursday, I threw Adam a surprise birthday party with friends.  Of course there was a cake to blow out candles and yes I chose to have a slice.  I barely had enough calories before dinner, but the cake threw me over the top.  I thought, no biggie, I will do better tomorrow and I did, but then there was today.  Some friends from Adam's job got together to have another party for him and some other June birthdays.  I always seem to do well with everything at picnics except the damn birthday cake.  I stare at it, I pine after it.  It becomes a thing that I simply cannot resist.  I didn't do well today and I feel super bummed.  I didn't lose any weight this week, but on a positive note, I didn't gain any either.  There is always a better day in the morning, and I intend to put my best foot forward this next week.  I owe it to myself to do so.

Squeezing In Time

I have a membership to the YMCA and part of my fees include child care while I work out.  This is a great concept and I am so happy that it is provided to me.  There is one minor drawback to this system.  I have my niece to take care of for the next little while and I cannot take her with me unless I am willing to pay more.  Of course I am not willing to pay more for my membership.  Plus this is only a temporary thing.  I got up this morning with the urge to get my sweat on, but had to wait until 4:30 to go.  I was worried that I wasn't going to be able to fit in a workout before Adam had to be home and I had to go to work.  I wanted to go today because the more days that are in between physical activiy for me, the less likely I am to be motivated.  Plus I lost almost three pounds this last week and only went over my calorie count on Saturday night.   

I continued to sporadically think about my workout plans throughout the day just to make sure that I was reminding my brain to go.  I even had the thought in third person that I was going to bail.  I wanted to prove that little negative idea wrong so after my niece was picked up, I threw on some clothes and squeezed in my workout.  It felt great.  What wasn't great were the two prepubescent turds making a mockery of the treadmills.  They were having a real laugh at turning up the machines full blast and then trying to keep up with its pace.  I wanted to turn on my mean face and say, "Hey dill-weeds, some of us are trying to enjoy our workouts.  Can you please go find your other pasty skinned friends and be stinky somewhere else?"  This would have been the most awesome burn but I was too annoyed and out of breath to do anything about it.  They gave up eventually and disappeared from my view.  Then a guy was trying to decide which machine to use and accidentally tripped hardcore on the edge.  He tried to play it off as no big deal, but I could tell, it was a big deal to him.  It was a varied poo-poo platter of characters tonight.  To be honest, the YMCA tends to bring out some of the most hidden dwellers of society anyway.  I welcome all the weirdos and old people to be at the gym.  It gives me something to think about while I am trying to jog out the pain.          

First of Many

I have purchased sun dresses in the past and because I have always been self conscious of my fatty arms, I have chosen to wear cardigans.  Regardless of the heat, I was subjecting myself to increased temperature simply because I was so concerned about strangers thinking I had a fat ugly arms.  Adam has tried to break me of this nasty habit for years to no avail.  I have simply ignored his pleadings because I didn't believe him when he told me that no one cared.

Over the last few days I have felt the heat of the Boise air.  I don't even want to get into the schematics of what happens when a person of my ponderous stature is exposed to excess heat.  I will however, sum it all up: I get sweaty and gross.  Adam and I were talking before going out and he once again began his case about me not putting on a cardigan to step out into 90 degree heat.  I listened and decided that perhaps he was right.  Why should I care what Joe Schmo thinks about my outfit?  Who the hell does he think he is exactly?  So I braved the farmer's market and Costco only to discover that yes indeed not one single person gave a crap about what I was or was not wearing.  No one came up to me and said, "hey chunkster, where is your issued cardigan that all fatties are required to wear?  You go back and put it on young lady."  I walked around at a much cooler temperature than I ever have before wearing a sun dress and suddenly I realized how lovely the concept of these dresses really were.  In fact, the cashier at the grocery store complimented my dress.  I felt so satisfied and in fact, we later went swimming and I chose to not put on my ugly basketball shorts to hide my thighs.

For a moment before I began the walk of shame into the water, I got nervous about what people might think; then I remembered what had happened previously in the day, I.E. nothing so I marched my butt on into the refreshing water.  Today I wore my workout clothes in public to ride around the greenbelt.  Adam snapped a shot of me cooling off and although my body is not close to perfect, I am happy.  It is ok to not be afraid of something as silly as chunky arms.  There are much worse things to be frightened over, like moths and butterflies.    

Stinky Pete Strikes Again

I am already feeling accomplished this afternoon.  Not only did I get to sleep in, but I also went to the gym and rocked it.  I jogged/walked for 35 minutes and then rode the stationary bike for 15 minutes.  By the time I got to the bikes, I was stinky and I felt bad for the people sitting next to me.  Had I worn a different color of shirt other than white, it would've shown just how gross I was.  I am proud of this.  Adam and I have agreed that the only way to truly know if you are doing things right at the gym is if you are super stinky and sweaty.  It is a badge of honor and I will wear it proudly.  I earned every calorie today and enjoyed doing it.  I got a break from the kids and also from my mind.  It's nice to zone out and listen to the machines.  It is Friday today and this will be the 5th day of me not going over my calorie count.  I still managed to have cookies and even some ice cream too.  I need to remember that watching my calories doesn't mean that I have to starve myself of every pleasure. Instead, I have to make adjustments so that my pleasures can fit nicely into my life.  Today is a good day.

Knee Deep in Kids

Today was Madeline's first day of summer break.  I thought that this was going to be a grand event because Judah was in desperate need of a buddy during the day.  It was all keyed up to be fantastic and then by 9:30am, I realized that having all of the kids home at once isn't really fun at all.  Actually, it's a lot of freaking work.  Not to mention, that I am babysitting my niece this summer as well.  So we ventured to the pool and it was marvelous.  Undoubtedly, I get nervous when going outside in my swimsuit.  All of these thoughts race through my mind about what people are thinking when they see someone of my stature walk in.  I am sure that people only mildly care about my cellulite, but for some reason, I get scared out of my mind to squeeze into that lycra.  It is a quite a show to see me get into my suit.  I squat, pull, lift, and tuck to try and hide every piece of chunk on my body.  Like somehow the suit has magical powers and can give the appearance of a size 6.

I was sitting on the poolside being a lifeguard and just kept staring down at my belly.  It is large and in the way.  I would like it to be gone and preferably today.  Yes and while we are at it, can we make my face not need makeup and for my food to make itself and then do the dishes afterwards?  The amount of work it takes to be a human is quite astronomical.  I know everyone who is trying to lose weight would love to have it all be gone in one day, but as we fatties know, it didn't take one day to put on the pounds; it certainly won't take one day to get rid of it.  Adam called me today to find out how the working out was going to happen and this is why it has been so hard to get to the gym.  By the end of the night, neither one of us want to move and forget about getting up early.  I have an inability to care about anything at 5-7:30am.  Even if I have the gumption to set my alarm, I always surrender to my pillow when it sounds.  But alas, I wanted to get to the gym today come hell or high water.  We are going tonight together and putting the kids into the child watch at the Y.  This way we can get healthy while having a mini-date.  This day seems to never end.  I will be looking forward to my bed tonight.        

Cookie Debacle

Today I had the urge to bake cookies for Adam and his co-workers.  They were my favorite, chocolate chip, and even more so they were ultra tempting for my midmorning snack.  I upped the ante by also making rice krispie treats too.  The plate just looked to empty without them.  So there I was, caught at 10:45 with two of the best treats around.  I wanted to give in, and just pretend that I had the calories for them.  However, I knew that this was not going to end well for me.  I'd end up eating probably 5 cookies followed by 2 krispies and loathe myself afterward.  So instead I chose to eat sugar snap peas.  They had a nice bite and of course were a lot healthier for me than freaking cookies.  I will admit that I caught my eyes yearning for the deliciousness just sitting on the counter for me to indulge, but instead of eating until I wanted to puke, I chose to eat one solitary cookie and half of a rice krispie treat.  I am counting my calories and of course they were added to the list.  So off the treats went to the office and my butt was grateful for that.

 I went to the YMCA tonight after a particularly long day with kids.  It was one of those days where it didn't matter how much attention was dispensed, they wanted more.  I don't know why my back is a suitable playground, but I guess it is to my 4 and 2 year old.  It was so refreshing and calming to simply exercise.  My heart rate was up, my legs were moving and my music was jamming.  I didn't think about any of the things I needed to get done and it was wonderful.  In retrospect, I maybe could've increased the resistance for a harder workout, but those days will come.  Today was a time to get back to me and I loved it.  I am so happy that those treats are no longer in my house tonight, because I know the nighttime snacking would've killed my calorie goal.  I am capable of saying no to myself, it's just hard sometimes to do so.  Which is why I have set up ways of protecting my assets, like handing out every last treat so I won't be tempted to cheat.  No, instead tonight I am going to enjoy the lack of treats.      

Courage Willow

Life seems to present itself with a multitude of challenges.  One day I have it all figured out and then the next day I am crying into a half eaten, second bowl of cereal, wondering why in the hell I made the decisions I did.  I am not a perfect person and its OK to make mistakes, although sometimes I tend to forget that vital piece of information.  I make mistakes, huge mistakes, and I seem to wander aimlessly amid responsible adults.  I try to fake my errors by slapping on some makeup and taking a few conveniently lit and well-edited selfies to prove to the social world that I have it all together.  I am here to tell you that no one has it all figured out.  I dare say that every adult, no matter what stage of life they are in, question who they are and whether or not they have made the right choices.  Life takes time, which is why you live for such a long time.  It takes that long to truly figure out how to be who you are inside.  

In the year 2010, during the pregnancy of my second child, I was shocked into reality when my midwife told me to not gain one single pound because I was at risk of so many problems due to my weight.  I was embarrassed and did something about it.  Shortly after my son was born, I kicked my ass into gear and began a journey that I promised myself I would not repeat.  I worked so hard and was so diligent and lost 80 pounds.  I was so happy in my life and I swore to the devil that I would not see that ever-dreaded 300 pound mark on my scale again.  Everything was going splendidly until the urge to become a mother crept back into my brain and I talked Adam into getting us pregnant again. 

I didn’t gain the weight all back initially.  The third pregnancy came and went without a hitch, but 30 pounds followed the baby home.  I did okay for a while keeping my weight gain at bay.  However, after quitting my job of 8 years, moving to a new city, and suddenly dealing with my husband going to graduate school full-time while working a full-time job and me going to school full-time while working part-time, all that weight didn’t just creep back, but rather snuck up behind me with a sock full of quarters to knock me upside the head before jumping back onto my body.  I was maxed out in every aspect of the word.  I didn’t have a moment of time to think and my stress levels were through the roof. 

We have lived in Boise now for a year and the horrendous school year is over and my husband and I have had some time to reflect on where we went wrong.  Not once during this whole year have either one of us taken time for ourselves.  We were so focused on everything else, that we forgot to focus time on our own psyches.  This was our fatal flaw.  Now here I sit, 4 years later and 65 pounds gained and hating every inch of myself.  I want to feel better again.  I want to wake up and not dread walking past the mirrors.  I want to be that Patty that isn’t scared anymore. 

It takes courage to admit when you’ve made a mistake, and it takes even more courage to get up and try again once you’ve fallen flat.  I don’t protest to know everything, in fact, I know very little, but I do know how to try.  The other day I was talking with my sister Chris.  It was then that I realized that it's OK to admit when something needs to be changed.  A few years ago, I bought her a book about courage when I was in a better place.  I wanted to show her that she had power to be what she wanted to be inside all along.  She then returned the favor by buying me the same book.  I choke up every time I read it because I do know that my inner power is there.  So I dedicate this blog to my sissy.  Her strength helped me see that I am capable of doing whatever I set my mind to; and for me it's working on believing that I am a beautiful and worthwhile person.   Join me if you wish and if you’d like to try again with me, I welcome that as well.