I have a pretty great narrative for today but before I get started, let me clear the air by saying that I completely and utterly quit my cleanse. I was unprepared for how much produce I was going to have to consume in a day. I was positive about the whole thing, until...well I wasn't. There are only so many apples a human can consume in one day before the taunts of an actual meal no longer can be suppressed. I haven't picked it back up because it seems like a bad idea in retrospect. Why would anyone take the goodness of eating away? I know that this is being said ironically because I am a fatty that needs to seriously address her eating habits, but let's be honest, was I really going to change how I was eating just from a cleanse? No probably not. I failed, let's not dwell on it.
Today is a wonderful Sunday. I slept in and then was able to enjoy a lovely brunch with my family. All was going well until Adam mentioned that he wanted to go on a hike. He loves to go on hikes but I simply do not. What is so interesting about trudging up a mountain side, getting all sweaty and constantly jumping out of the way of pesky grasshoppers? I obliged today because I like spending time together as a family outside. It gets the kids to interact with nature and we all know that all of us could use the fresh air. In the beginning of spring, we were feeling the effects of cabin fever and decided to try out the hike otherwise known as "Table Rock". To say that I felt like dying was a gross understatement. The entire journey felt like I was carrying big bags of bricks on my ankles. I didn't want to do this hike again for quite some time, so today when Adam suggested that this be the place of our adventure, immediately my belly began to turn but I chose to suck it up and enjoy myself.
I have been going to the gym pretty regularly lately. I felt good about my physical ability when we first started and was excited that I wasn't totally out of breath when we began. Madeline almost from the beginning of the hike began to complain about it. She is not what you'd call physical. She'd prefer to sit and look pretty instead of doing anything active. Jude was running around like a mad dog and Ani Rose got the luxury of Adam's shoulders for her journey up. I'd say we were half way up the mountain when I turned to Adam and said, "this is great, I am not even out of breath". He said good, but with a slight tone of uh huh, just wait we haven't hit the hard part yet. We rounded the corner where the flat area ended and the steepest portion of our journey began. I looked up at what we were supposed to walk and my eyes became wide and the trail seemed to get longer with every passing glance. I whispered swears under my breath as my spawn were in earshot of hearing me but I continued to trudge on. Soon the water was gone, my mouth was dry, and I wondered what in the hell we were doing out in this wilderness. Meanwhile, Adam carrying a 30 pound child couldn't have been happier. It's times like these when I want to run with a long stick and knock all the happy people on the trail down. How dare they be happy when I am so miserable? Where are they finding the energy?
The hike got more and more steep and uneven. I was breathing like a large barn yard animal getting ready to birth its calf. Adam kept reassuring not only me, but the two older kids as well that we were so close to the top. I didn't believe him and I was right to. The mountain was slowly swallowing up my soul. The bricks that were on my ankles in the spring suddenly reappeared but I couldn't go back now. I would walk past people who were on their way down and I would see in their eyes that they were genuinely concerned for my well being. It was shorter to the top than to the bottom but I would still look back and imagine myself tucking into a ball and getting back down in like 10 seconds. Finally as my husband had promised, the end was in sight, but as a last F-you to every person scaling that hike, there are a set of steep rock steps that you have to take to the top. I felt like crying as I lifted my feet to climb. Out of freaking nowhere a grasshopper had the nerve to try and scare me. Try isn't the right word, he successfully scared me, but I lacked the energy to properly flail around. Instead I kind of made a groan-grunt sound and clumsily swung my arms to shoo him away.
The last and final step meant I had made it to the top of table rock. I was proud of myself, but didn't really get that elation that a person might get when tackling something so daunting. I looked for a water fountain knowing full well that there was no such thing as a fountain in nature that wouldn't give you dysentery if you drank from it, so I sat down instead. The view was beautiful and my body was sore, just as any good workout at the gym delivers. When Maddie complained about her legs, Adam reminded her that when your body hurts it means you are working hard. I took this as good advice. My body did need to hurt, otherwise, what is the point of a workout?
I will say that even though the incline was a total son of a bitch to climb, I was able to catch my breath quickly. I felt myself being stronger this go around than I did in the spring. I am proud of that silly hike. It was hot and the kids were totally done when we got back to the car, but I felt happy once we were on our way back home. All of my efforts to workout paid off in the form of not letting grim death take me to the place where failed hikers go, Kentucky. I am so happy that I went back to table rock today. I know that my story was a tad dramatic, but it all really happened. Someone needs to make a movie. It'll be a box office smash.
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