Courage Willow

Life seems to present itself with a multitude of challenges.  One day I have it all figured out and then the next day I am crying into a half eaten, second bowl of cereal, wondering why in the hell I made the decisions I did.  I am not a perfect person and its OK to make mistakes, although sometimes I tend to forget that vital piece of information.  I make mistakes, huge mistakes, and I seem to wander aimlessly amid responsible adults.  I try to fake my errors by slapping on some makeup and taking a few conveniently lit and well-edited selfies to prove to the social world that I have it all together.  I am here to tell you that no one has it all figured out.  I dare say that every adult, no matter what stage of life they are in, question who they are and whether or not they have made the right choices.  Life takes time, which is why you live for such a long time.  It takes that long to truly figure out how to be who you are inside.  

In the year 2010, during the pregnancy of my second child, I was shocked into reality when my midwife told me to not gain one single pound because I was at risk of so many problems due to my weight.  I was embarrassed and did something about it.  Shortly after my son was born, I kicked my ass into gear and began a journey that I promised myself I would not repeat.  I worked so hard and was so diligent and lost 80 pounds.  I was so happy in my life and I swore to the devil that I would not see that ever-dreaded 300 pound mark on my scale again.  Everything was going splendidly until the urge to become a mother crept back into my brain and I talked Adam into getting us pregnant again. 

I didn’t gain the weight all back initially.  The third pregnancy came and went without a hitch, but 30 pounds followed the baby home.  I did okay for a while keeping my weight gain at bay.  However, after quitting my job of 8 years, moving to a new city, and suddenly dealing with my husband going to graduate school full-time while working a full-time job and me going to school full-time while working part-time, all that weight didn’t just creep back, but rather snuck up behind me with a sock full of quarters to knock me upside the head before jumping back onto my body.  I was maxed out in every aspect of the word.  I didn’t have a moment of time to think and my stress levels were through the roof. 

We have lived in Boise now for a year and the horrendous school year is over and my husband and I have had some time to reflect on where we went wrong.  Not once during this whole year have either one of us taken time for ourselves.  We were so focused on everything else, that we forgot to focus time on our own psyches.  This was our fatal flaw.  Now here I sit, 4 years later and 65 pounds gained and hating every inch of myself.  I want to feel better again.  I want to wake up and not dread walking past the mirrors.  I want to be that Patty that isn’t scared anymore. 

It takes courage to admit when you’ve made a mistake, and it takes even more courage to get up and try again once you’ve fallen flat.  I don’t protest to know everything, in fact, I know very little, but I do know how to try.  The other day I was talking with my sister Chris.  It was then that I realized that it's OK to admit when something needs to be changed.  A few years ago, I bought her a book about courage when I was in a better place.  I wanted to show her that she had power to be what she wanted to be inside all along.  She then returned the favor by buying me the same book.  I choke up every time I read it because I do know that my inner power is there.  So I dedicate this blog to my sissy.  Her strength helped me see that I am capable of doing whatever I set my mind to; and for me it's working on believing that I am a beautiful and worthwhile person.   Join me if you wish and if you’d like to try again with me, I welcome that as well.