The will to survive

Today was a day that started with a two-year old body slamming me to ask for oatmeal.  I had a frown plastered on my face from the get go.  I suppose this all stems from the 100+ degree heat wave we have been experiencing which in turn leads me to be completely locked down.  I simply will not go anywhere for more than 23 minutes without the ever erotic feel of cool air blowing on my sweaty face.  Sometimes walking into a cold house after feeling my back sweat race to my butt crack is better than anything.  Wait, that may be a tad too graphic, but it's the truth.  I do not handle hot weather very well.  

Anyway, I was in a grouchy mood and decided to combat the feelings of wanting to hide from my children permanently by heading off to the gym.  I was quite positive to be there.  I wanted my Patty time and this was a great place to get it.  I went jogging and alternated between jogging and fast walking.  It was just what the doctor ordered.  I also lifted some weights and I think this was the kicker for me.  I like lifting weights and I feel like it awakens my whole body and forces my body to use muscles that would otherwise keep hiding out.  My friend Christa introduced me to this practice and today I missed her.  I needed her to help me feel more confident about being in the weight area.  Plus she challenged me to push myself.  It is such weird place and most people feel intimidated by it.  Don't be, your body can benefit so much from weight lifting.  I feel like people eye ball each other so much more in the weights area.  Maybe it's because no one feels confident to be there.  They look around to see what other people are doing so they can copy them.

Well I felt good today and was even more proud of myself for going.  Our friend Anthony asked me on Saturday how my workout was going and for a second I thought myself a failure for not going that day, but then I realized that it is a daily struggle and I shouldn't be embarrassed.  I don't feel like a failure today and I know I won't be tomorrow either.

Wha?? I have literally been here the entire time

Yes I do exist for those of you who thought that I had disappeared into some other mystic realm.  I do understand that I have not acknowledged this blog which is supposed to be transparent in nature.  I could give you plenty of excuses as to why I have not posted and I could weave a dramatic reason for my choices, but instead, I will break it down quite simply; I was feeling sorry for myself.  I had experienced the second week lull and fell for the ever so easy trap of thinking that all of my problems would be fixed within a week.  Of course I had tons of motivation the first week, everyone does.  It is always the subsequent weeks that make up the bread and butter of weight loss.

I have done this path before.  Why is it still so difficult?  Why do I constantly feel like I am on an uphill climb?  I think I thought that all of my healthy habits that I learned before would suddenly reappear and make my life so much easier.  When I think about the things I did before that ended up in success; the recipe is quite simple.  I cut out most of my dessert consumption and I stopped going out to eat.  Those were the two biggest catalysts for me.  Guess what I have been doing these last 13 days?  You got it! I was eating like a monster and going out instead of preparing my own meals.  The workouts before started slow and while regaining calories is always a plus when playing the calorie game, it wasn't the only process in motion.  I was literally obsessed with everything I was eating.  I was meticulous in my records and had to confidence and energy to keep it going.   The other thing that is different from before was the fact that I only had a two year old and a baby at the time.  Now I have a 7, 4, and 2 year old.  They keep me exhausted and thinking about getting out to exercise is sometimes more than I can bear.

Again, I said I wasn't going to list excuses, but like most people with an addiction, I try to justify my actions in any way possible.  In the words of my older sis, I need to pick one thing that I know I can control and start with that.  I have thought about it for a few days now and I think the biggest problem that I face is what I said before, dining out and too many desserts.  I am going to focus on dining out.  Heaven knows I don't need to be spending money that I really don't have to save a little time in food preparation.  I can cook my meals and certainly better than what is being offered at a standard eatery.  I need to be more prepared for my meals to make it easier to choose home than going out.  This is what I will be focused on.  I can't keep playing the rollercoaster.  It is actually more tiring than just sticking to something and seeing it through.      

Soooo...

This week started out really positive.  I had everything under control, until the birthday party.  On Thursday, I threw Adam a surprise birthday party with friends.  Of course there was a cake to blow out candles and yes I chose to have a slice.  I barely had enough calories before dinner, but the cake threw me over the top.  I thought, no biggie, I will do better tomorrow and I did, but then there was today.  Some friends from Adam's job got together to have another party for him and some other June birthdays.  I always seem to do well with everything at picnics except the damn birthday cake.  I stare at it, I pine after it.  It becomes a thing that I simply cannot resist.  I didn't do well today and I feel super bummed.  I didn't lose any weight this week, but on a positive note, I didn't gain any either.  There is always a better day in the morning, and I intend to put my best foot forward this next week.  I owe it to myself to do so.

Squeezing In Time

I have a membership to the YMCA and part of my fees include child care while I work out.  This is a great concept and I am so happy that it is provided to me.  There is one minor drawback to this system.  I have my niece to take care of for the next little while and I cannot take her with me unless I am willing to pay more.  Of course I am not willing to pay more for my membership.  Plus this is only a temporary thing.  I got up this morning with the urge to get my sweat on, but had to wait until 4:30 to go.  I was worried that I wasn't going to be able to fit in a workout before Adam had to be home and I had to go to work.  I wanted to go today because the more days that are in between physical activiy for me, the less likely I am to be motivated.  Plus I lost almost three pounds this last week and only went over my calorie count on Saturday night.   

I continued to sporadically think about my workout plans throughout the day just to make sure that I was reminding my brain to go.  I even had the thought in third person that I was going to bail.  I wanted to prove that little negative idea wrong so after my niece was picked up, I threw on some clothes and squeezed in my workout.  It felt great.  What wasn't great were the two prepubescent turds making a mockery of the treadmills.  They were having a real laugh at turning up the machines full blast and then trying to keep up with its pace.  I wanted to turn on my mean face and say, "Hey dill-weeds, some of us are trying to enjoy our workouts.  Can you please go find your other pasty skinned friends and be stinky somewhere else?"  This would have been the most awesome burn but I was too annoyed and out of breath to do anything about it.  They gave up eventually and disappeared from my view.  Then a guy was trying to decide which machine to use and accidentally tripped hardcore on the edge.  He tried to play it off as no big deal, but I could tell, it was a big deal to him.  It was a varied poo-poo platter of characters tonight.  To be honest, the YMCA tends to bring out some of the most hidden dwellers of society anyway.  I welcome all the weirdos and old people to be at the gym.  It gives me something to think about while I am trying to jog out the pain.          

First of Many

I have purchased sun dresses in the past and because I have always been self conscious of my fatty arms, I have chosen to wear cardigans.  Regardless of the heat, I was subjecting myself to increased temperature simply because I was so concerned about strangers thinking I had a fat ugly arms.  Adam has tried to break me of this nasty habit for years to no avail.  I have simply ignored his pleadings because I didn't believe him when he told me that no one cared.

Over the last few days I have felt the heat of the Boise air.  I don't even want to get into the schematics of what happens when a person of my ponderous stature is exposed to excess heat.  I will however, sum it all up: I get sweaty and gross.  Adam and I were talking before going out and he once again began his case about me not putting on a cardigan to step out into 90 degree heat.  I listened and decided that perhaps he was right.  Why should I care what Joe Schmo thinks about my outfit?  Who the hell does he think he is exactly?  So I braved the farmer's market and Costco only to discover that yes indeed not one single person gave a crap about what I was or was not wearing.  No one came up to me and said, "hey chunkster, where is your issued cardigan that all fatties are required to wear?  You go back and put it on young lady."  I walked around at a much cooler temperature than I ever have before wearing a sun dress and suddenly I realized how lovely the concept of these dresses really were.  In fact, the cashier at the grocery store complimented my dress.  I felt so satisfied and in fact, we later went swimming and I chose to not put on my ugly basketball shorts to hide my thighs.

For a moment before I began the walk of shame into the water, I got nervous about what people might think; then I remembered what had happened previously in the day, I.E. nothing so I marched my butt on into the refreshing water.  Today I wore my workout clothes in public to ride around the greenbelt.  Adam snapped a shot of me cooling off and although my body is not close to perfect, I am happy.  It is ok to not be afraid of something as silly as chunky arms.  There are much worse things to be frightened over, like moths and butterflies.    

Stinky Pete Strikes Again

I am already feeling accomplished this afternoon.  Not only did I get to sleep in, but I also went to the gym and rocked it.  I jogged/walked for 35 minutes and then rode the stationary bike for 15 minutes.  By the time I got to the bikes, I was stinky and I felt bad for the people sitting next to me.  Had I worn a different color of shirt other than white, it would've shown just how gross I was.  I am proud of this.  Adam and I have agreed that the only way to truly know if you are doing things right at the gym is if you are super stinky and sweaty.  It is a badge of honor and I will wear it proudly.  I earned every calorie today and enjoyed doing it.  I got a break from the kids and also from my mind.  It's nice to zone out and listen to the machines.  It is Friday today and this will be the 5th day of me not going over my calorie count.  I still managed to have cookies and even some ice cream too.  I need to remember that watching my calories doesn't mean that I have to starve myself of every pleasure. Instead, I have to make adjustments so that my pleasures can fit nicely into my life.  Today is a good day.

Knee Deep in Kids

Today was Madeline's first day of summer break.  I thought that this was going to be a grand event because Judah was in desperate need of a buddy during the day.  It was all keyed up to be fantastic and then by 9:30am, I realized that having all of the kids home at once isn't really fun at all.  Actually, it's a lot of freaking work.  Not to mention, that I am babysitting my niece this summer as well.  So we ventured to the pool and it was marvelous.  Undoubtedly, I get nervous when going outside in my swimsuit.  All of these thoughts race through my mind about what people are thinking when they see someone of my stature walk in.  I am sure that people only mildly care about my cellulite, but for some reason, I get scared out of my mind to squeeze into that lycra.  It is a quite a show to see me get into my suit.  I squat, pull, lift, and tuck to try and hide every piece of chunk on my body.  Like somehow the suit has magical powers and can give the appearance of a size 6.

I was sitting on the poolside being a lifeguard and just kept staring down at my belly.  It is large and in the way.  I would like it to be gone and preferably today.  Yes and while we are at it, can we make my face not need makeup and for my food to make itself and then do the dishes afterwards?  The amount of work it takes to be a human is quite astronomical.  I know everyone who is trying to lose weight would love to have it all be gone in one day, but as we fatties know, it didn't take one day to put on the pounds; it certainly won't take one day to get rid of it.  Adam called me today to find out how the working out was going to happen and this is why it has been so hard to get to the gym.  By the end of the night, neither one of us want to move and forget about getting up early.  I have an inability to care about anything at 5-7:30am.  Even if I have the gumption to set my alarm, I always surrender to my pillow when it sounds.  But alas, I wanted to get to the gym today come hell or high water.  We are going tonight together and putting the kids into the child watch at the Y.  This way we can get healthy while having a mini-date.  This day seems to never end.  I will be looking forward to my bed tonight.        

Cookie Debacle

Today I had the urge to bake cookies for Adam and his co-workers.  They were my favorite, chocolate chip, and even more so they were ultra tempting for my midmorning snack.  I upped the ante by also making rice krispie treats too.  The plate just looked to empty without them.  So there I was, caught at 10:45 with two of the best treats around.  I wanted to give in, and just pretend that I had the calories for them.  However, I knew that this was not going to end well for me.  I'd end up eating probably 5 cookies followed by 2 krispies and loathe myself afterward.  So instead I chose to eat sugar snap peas.  They had a nice bite and of course were a lot healthier for me than freaking cookies.  I will admit that I caught my eyes yearning for the deliciousness just sitting on the counter for me to indulge, but instead of eating until I wanted to puke, I chose to eat one solitary cookie and half of a rice krispie treat.  I am counting my calories and of course they were added to the list.  So off the treats went to the office and my butt was grateful for that.

 I went to the YMCA tonight after a particularly long day with kids.  It was one of those days where it didn't matter how much attention was dispensed, they wanted more.  I don't know why my back is a suitable playground, but I guess it is to my 4 and 2 year old.  It was so refreshing and calming to simply exercise.  My heart rate was up, my legs were moving and my music was jamming.  I didn't think about any of the things I needed to get done and it was wonderful.  In retrospect, I maybe could've increased the resistance for a harder workout, but those days will come.  Today was a time to get back to me and I loved it.  I am so happy that those treats are no longer in my house tonight, because I know the nighttime snacking would've killed my calorie goal.  I am capable of saying no to myself, it's just hard sometimes to do so.  Which is why I have set up ways of protecting my assets, like handing out every last treat so I won't be tempted to cheat.  No, instead tonight I am going to enjoy the lack of treats.      

Courage Willow

Life seems to present itself with a multitude of challenges.  One day I have it all figured out and then the next day I am crying into a half eaten, second bowl of cereal, wondering why in the hell I made the decisions I did.  I am not a perfect person and its OK to make mistakes, although sometimes I tend to forget that vital piece of information.  I make mistakes, huge mistakes, and I seem to wander aimlessly amid responsible adults.  I try to fake my errors by slapping on some makeup and taking a few conveniently lit and well-edited selfies to prove to the social world that I have it all together.  I am here to tell you that no one has it all figured out.  I dare say that every adult, no matter what stage of life they are in, question who they are and whether or not they have made the right choices.  Life takes time, which is why you live for such a long time.  It takes that long to truly figure out how to be who you are inside.  

In the year 2010, during the pregnancy of my second child, I was shocked into reality when my midwife told me to not gain one single pound because I was at risk of so many problems due to my weight.  I was embarrassed and did something about it.  Shortly after my son was born, I kicked my ass into gear and began a journey that I promised myself I would not repeat.  I worked so hard and was so diligent and lost 80 pounds.  I was so happy in my life and I swore to the devil that I would not see that ever-dreaded 300 pound mark on my scale again.  Everything was going splendidly until the urge to become a mother crept back into my brain and I talked Adam into getting us pregnant again. 

I didn’t gain the weight all back initially.  The third pregnancy came and went without a hitch, but 30 pounds followed the baby home.  I did okay for a while keeping my weight gain at bay.  However, after quitting my job of 8 years, moving to a new city, and suddenly dealing with my husband going to graduate school full-time while working a full-time job and me going to school full-time while working part-time, all that weight didn’t just creep back, but rather snuck up behind me with a sock full of quarters to knock me upside the head before jumping back onto my body.  I was maxed out in every aspect of the word.  I didn’t have a moment of time to think and my stress levels were through the roof. 

We have lived in Boise now for a year and the horrendous school year is over and my husband and I have had some time to reflect on where we went wrong.  Not once during this whole year have either one of us taken time for ourselves.  We were so focused on everything else, that we forgot to focus time on our own psyches.  This was our fatal flaw.  Now here I sit, 4 years later and 65 pounds gained and hating every inch of myself.  I want to feel better again.  I want to wake up and not dread walking past the mirrors.  I want to be that Patty that isn’t scared anymore. 

It takes courage to admit when you’ve made a mistake, and it takes even more courage to get up and try again once you’ve fallen flat.  I don’t protest to know everything, in fact, I know very little, but I do know how to try.  The other day I was talking with my sister Chris.  It was then that I realized that it's OK to admit when something needs to be changed.  A few years ago, I bought her a book about courage when I was in a better place.  I wanted to show her that she had power to be what she wanted to be inside all along.  She then returned the favor by buying me the same book.  I choke up every time I read it because I do know that my inner power is there.  So I dedicate this blog to my sissy.  Her strength helped me see that I am capable of doing whatever I set my mind to; and for me it's working on believing that I am a beautiful and worthwhile person.   Join me if you wish and if you’d like to try again with me, I welcome that as well.