How to redeem the wicked

When does a person decide when they are wrong?  When do they look at themselves in the mirror and truly see themselves without judgment or bias?  Every month or so I decide that I am going to lose 100 pounds in a day and jump in head first.  I work out faithfully for a week and then when I see that what I am doing is working I say, "great, I am done now right?".  This usually follows a three week bender that is similar to that on the classic movie Heavyweights.  I wake up with Twinkie's on my breath and shame on the scale.  5 years ago I was 245 pounds.  I was treading the size 14 jean size and I was purchasing clothes in a regular store without pulling or rearranging my shirts.

It seemed as if I could conquer anything and everything in life.  I had confidence and vigor in my step.  I was happy to be whom I was and it felt like nothing could go wrong.  Since that time, I have relapsed to my original weight.  It wasn't overnight either.  Gaining weight is a tricky game.   First it starts with 5 pounds that can easily be explained away to either bloating from last night's meal or the dreaded "lady times" that makes any sane woman feel like a stark raving mad person screaming and crying in the same minute.  The next 5 pounds are ignored and life continues on its merry way.  Then your jeans start to feel a little tight when you try to cinch them onto your frame.  Could it be the pesky dryer up to its old antics again you wonder?  Then the scale proves that your dryer isn't out to get you: 15 pounds gained.  How could you let yourself gain 15 pounds?!?  How could you be so lazy?  That first 15 pounds of weight gained back brings back self-doubt, self-pity, self-hate, and lastly binge eating once again.  Pound by pound clicks back onto your body and it only makes you feel terrible about yourself.  It took me 4 years to gain the 85 pounds I had sworn I had lost for good.  

I think now about all the late-night eating after the kids have gone to bed and the only thing I can think to do is stuff my face with whatever sweet concoction I have prepared.  I do that.  I hide most of my eating in lonely kitchens where the fork and I become a duo that cannot be stopped.  I go back for seconds and thirds and fourths, each time stuffing as much cake or cookie or anything else into my mouth before I am caught by another person.  My appetite to suppress my feelings of what I have done to myself is huge.  I hate everything about what I have done.  I hate looking at my reflection and worst of all, I perpetuate the problem.  I hate what I've done, but I am doing nothing to stop it, in fact, I am continually keeping it going by overeating.  I have a treadmill in my room that gets used once a month when I am feeling like I can be active again.  

So what is different about today?  What is so different about July 27, 2016 huh?  Why would this day be so special?  Well today I know I have support.  Last night I spoke to my sister Christine about her unfortunate weight gain.  She lost 100 pounds and has gained back 40 of it.  She didn't want to be a statistic and I didn't want her to be like I have been.  She and I are now in a pact to eat better and quite frankly take care of ourselves.  I was feeling great about the conversation last night and then this morning I stuffed my mouth with the banana bread cake with browned butter frosting I made.  Its like the switch of self-destruction is on auto-play and turns on the second I wake up each morning.  I ate two pieces of the cake in scattered moments within the morning.  I had planned to go jogging last night but as the hours of the day continued to pass, I was losing the motivation to start up.  I even remembered a thought while I was vacuuming:

  "I'll just start on Monday and when Chris calls on Saturday to check-in, I will give her my starting weight.  This way I can eat whatever I want this weekend and start fresh then."   

Do you see the crap I do?  Do you see how I continue my pattern of obesity?  I stopped myself after that thought.  I sat down and tracked those two pieces of cake and I hate to admit that it was near 1000 calories.  Defeat and shame crawled over my body.  I looked up from my phone and hated every fiber of my being.  I knew I was better than that.  I knew I the courage to stand up and say not later but now.  I walked/jogged for 50 minutes.  I got off the treadmill and cursed out loud.  My body was covered in sweat and I loved it.  I took a starting picture and I weighed myself.  I am not proud of either one, but this is supposed to be a motivation for me to be healthy once more.  I am not looking to be the skinniest person in the bunch because quite frankly, I like having curves, but I am looking to not hate my reflection.  There are women on the internet that are super proud of their bodies regardless of the weight and I praise their strength.  I feel like a little kid who has just gotten praise from their parent from doing the right thing.  No one was making me get on that treadmill today.  No one was forcing me to enter my calories on the tracker.  I did it because I wanted to do it.  I wanted to see that better side of me.  I am going to post my pictures that I took today in hopes that it gives hope to anyone reading that needs it.  I am who I am and if I want to change, I have to start right now.
Starting weight: 330.

Three flights of stairs? Ya gotta be kidding me

Today was a homework day.  I actually really enjoy these days on campus because there aren't any real timelines and I can just focus on what I need to get done.  All of the other days I am rushing between classes and racing to beat the clock in order to be home on time to pick Judah up from preschool.  I think this is the reason for my stress levels this semester.  I am on campus four days a week and between driving to school from Meridian and then going to work every other week, I simply live in my car for some of my days.  Boise drivers are polite, in fact too polite.  They will break on a green to let others merge.  It is nice when I am on the receiving end of such niceties, but when I am following behind a person who feels so inclined to be neighborly, I get angry.  The commute from my home is filled with all of those drivers and sometimes I hate being polite and would rather just get there.

Today I needed to get my test from my accounting teacher  She said to come up to her office during her scheduled hours.  After my studying I picked my ever increasingly heavy backpack and trudged in the rain to the business building. I have never been up to her office and so I thought, "hey it's on the third floor, I'll take the stairs for some quick cardio".  Bad idea; the stairs were much taller and longer than I had anticipated and when I passed floor two, I secretly hoped that she had picked up and moved all of her stuff onto that floor just for me.  By the time I made it to the third floor, I could feel my heart beat in my ears.  I felt like I couldn't get any air into my lungs and wanted to collapse onto the carpet.  I was trying to control my breath because there was a professor hanging out in his office and was staring at me.  I didn't want him to hear me sucking in air like an industrial fan.  Instead of collapsing, I opted for leaning against the wall and pretending as if I wasn't scared of dying.  My journey to the third floor was not met with reward because she didn't show.  I guess I shouldn't complain too much about it.  But then again, I like complaining.

I came home after class to find a different kind of reward left behind by my dog.  It wasn't gold or silver, and in fact it wasn't a metal at all, it was shit and a lot of it.  Oh there is nothing like the smell of dog crap to really enlighten the mind and invoke positive thinking.  I am considering putting that luscious smell into a yankee candle.  I did however get on the treadmill today in spite of my bad luck.  It was one of those days that the treadmill and my feet were in a tight friendship.  I was able to walk/jog 3 miles and I am really proud of that.  Judah came in part of the way through and he was impressed by the level of sweat accumulating on my back.  It was good to let him see me running.  That is what a parent should be showing their child.  Unlike the view of me scarfing down 4 Oreos yesterday.  Good thing I waited until he was in bed to commit my crime.      

Can't I have just a little peace and quiet?

I don't know what the problem has been these last few months, but it has been a terrifically horrible semester.  I haven't been able to stay focused or motivated to do anything.  I am currently taking a zoology/ecology class with a lab that makes me memorize so many different species that I want to scream.  I sit in lab frowning and groaning over every freaking microscope slide that I have to review and my classmates are practically dancing around and french kissing each other.  No one wants to complain with me about how shitty this class has been, which makes it even harder for me to get through.  I always find that one person who wants to be negative and silly with me usually, but I am trapped with a bunch of biology nerds that can find no fault with how ridiculous it is that we have to learn hundreds of species.  I want to hit all of them upside the head and while their hair is flung up in the air, I want to yell into their ears, "SHUT UP"!  Whoa, I went to a dark place.  Can you see how frustrating this class has been for me?

So many things about my life have had to take a back seat to my classes.  The fridge looks like an archaeology dig for ancient cottage cheese containers and old leftovers.  Scientists are amazed at the level of preservation for a lifestyle that once was.  My bathrooms look clean somewhat, but don't lift up the toilet seats for heaven's sake!!  I am trying but I am tired and worn out.  That phrase is simply scratching the surface of how I feel.  I called my mother a few weeks back wanting some insight and advice on how to feel better and unfortunately the only response I got from her was that being an adult sucks.  She had no phrases that could take away this unease.  Honestly, she didn't really try.  I think she has had one too many a night wondering what all of this is for.  It's hard for her to be empathetic after she has raised nine children.  My mother is better for car and home repair advice anyway.

I will say on a positive note that the semester only has about 4 weeks left.  The cloud of hatred is slowly lifting because I know that I am almost done with this class forever.  My kids are getting cuter and cuter.  Perhaps it is the level of dependency that is making it easier for me.  Ani Rose is potty trained and Judah had his training wheels taken off of his bike.  The journey of babies has come to a close for me.  A phase of life I was more than willing to unload.  Don't get me wrong, I love babies and when I see a mother nursing, I think about walking up to her and asking if I could take a turn nursing her young child as well.  I miss it and I don't at the same time.  It is hard work, which is why I would rather watch from a distance.  Older kids are more my style anyway.  They laugh at my jokes and I can impress them with my childish burps and zerberts.  Perhaps I need to evaluate why I like burping because I really do.  A LOT!

A few weeks ago I was contemplating why my butt has grown so much.  What a wonder I thought, there has been no change to my dietary habits that would cause this problem.  WRONG!  The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I drink a lot of calories.  Juices, soda, iced coffees were often on the menu for me on a daily basis.  So I decided that I was going to cut them out.  I still drink diet soda and I don't care how much literature you send my way, diet Dr. Pepper is a gift from the gods.  I did however make the choice to stop drinking coffee in the morning.  Usually I would load up on the creamer and sugar every morning and have more than one cup as well.  I would also purchase coffee from Starbucks and those suckers are at least 500 a piece.  I stopped cold turkey and I am actually glad that I did.  My mornings were filled with a sugar rush, which made me end up eating more throughout the day. I have even lost 4 pounds to show for it.  Yes I know, 4 pounds worth of calorie drinks.  So I would toss a piece of advice you way and tell you to avoid drinks with a lot of calories.  They really add up fast.  The last thing I need in my day is more calories.  I bet you could say the same for yourself as well.  

         

Stress? We don't need no stinking stress

Well I had to give in and drop some of my classes this semester.  I was unable to keep up with the assignments on all of them, so now I am just focusing on three instead of five.  I have such guilt when I drop classes, but on the other hand, I hate failing so I guess I will take the high road.  Adam and I have been on this schedule for over a year now.  We are raising the white flag.  There isn't enough time in the day to get everything done.  It feels like we have tried to get so much done that we haven't gotten anything done instead.  So in exchange, we cut down our schedules a little bit.  It has helped a lot and I was able to actually mow the lawn today.  It was starting to grow some serious Basidiomycota specimens.  Look it up because I might as well put some of this information that I have beat into my brain to good use and perhaps you will learn a little something today too.

I wanted to try out some of the pre-set workout options on the treadmill today.  I didn't feel like running today so I chose to do the brisk jog option.  It doesn't matter that I am not running because walking is just as beneficial to my health.  I wanted to do the mountains course and sweet baby Jebus it was hard.  I kept thinking, if this machine gets any higher into the air, the weight of my thunder thighs is going to send us both to the ground.  I was huffing so much that Ani had to strain to hear the tv.  I wanted to go for 30 minutes today, but after getting done with the most intense portion of the workout, I had to call it.  I made it 21 minutes and I know that I probably could have struggled through for another 9, but to be honest, it was hard getting to 21.  It is now my goal to do better on that course and perhaps complete the entire thing.  Then my thighs can get a little less thundery.

Jello Jiggler

I was feeling ambitious today when I woke up.  I love it when laundry gets started, dishes are done and bedrooms are clean before 10am.  Of course, I don't love being the person who is in charge of getting this work done.  To be honest, I hate and loathe housework.  I doubt there is anyone who loves it.  Sometimes I will ignore something on the counter or the floor for days before I decide to acknowledge the need to clean.  It also doesn't help that the kids come right behind me to make another mess.  But today was good and afterwards I hopped on the treadmill to get my sweat on.  Since the machine is in my room, I decided I might try running without a shirt on.  I get so hot when I workout and in normal exercising circumstances, I wouldn't be caught dead without a shirt on in public, but since I was in the privacy of my own home I gave it a shot.

It was ok.  I mean it was nice to feel the air cooling me a lot more efficiently but when I looked down I felt like my skin had a layer of jello hidden beneath it.  Things were bouncing and reverberating in ways that shouldn't be mentioned in social circles.  I am sure that microscopic creatures hearing my thunder clap would have to dig themselves a hidey-hole until the jogging was through.  Otherwise, they might go deaf and possibly run the risk of losing limbs if they got caught in the kill zone.  I can imagine it now:
"Janet get the kids inside, the fatty is lowing the treadmill track."
"What?"
"Dammit Janet we don't have time for silly games, get Angelica and George inside!"
Poor little microbes.  It didn't matter that my jello-jiggly chub was bouncing to and fro, the point is I was on the damn machine attempting to be rid of aforementioned problem.  I guess a few microbe families are going to have to sacrifice their homes for my benefit.  Wait, where am I?  Where was I going?

Ok it's been a while

Well the semester is three weeks in and I am already losing my mind.  We decided that due to the stress levels and the fact that I have three freaking kids, I have had to lower the number of credits I am taking.  The moment that I dropped some of my classes, I immediately felt better.  I need to remember that there is no timeline and rushing through only causes premature gray hairs and the feeling of utter anxiety.  This week has been really stressful for me.  First, my car breaks down on Friday while I was going 70 on the highway and had to merge over before being completely stranded during rush hour traffic.  Then I had to rent a car for the week because Adam needed to be able to get to work and it is not cheap to do so.  Today I got the ever daunting news of a shot transmission from the mechanic and then immediately had to begin looking for another car before another week of a rental car.  Are you feeling stressed yet?  I am.

Last week Adam and I were talking about how he was having trouble getting to the gym.  In the year that we have paid for the YMCA, he has gone just a handful of times.  I don't blame him, he can't go with me during the day and then when he gets home at night, he has to do homework.  I know I wouldn't go if I were in his shoes.  The only reason why I was able to lose weight before was the fact that my sister Rachel would drop off one of her kids to watch mine and we'd all go workout together. Now it has become more difficult and feels almost impossible.  Sooo...we looked at what it would cost to buy our own treadmill versus continuing to pay for a monthly membership.  Hey guess what?  The cost was literally the same and the benefit to having one at home is the lack of excuses.  There are none.  We bought one and after lugging it into our bedroom and assembling it, we are so happy with this decision.  Already we have been logging hours onto it.  I feel good and it helps to relieve the stress of my week.  Now that I have less on my plate, it should be even easier.  I ate celery last night for crying out loud.

Oh where to begin

The last week leading up to the starting of school is really stressful.  I wasn't really ready to start the new semester and now that I am two days into it, I am STILL not ready to start the semester.  There are some days I wake up and wish that I had nothing on my docket.  Yesterday I was able to spend 1.5 hours at home with no kids and there was plenty to do around the house.  The dishes were dirty, laundry needed to be folded and the house was in overall disarray.  I chose to watch Steve Harvey instead.  No, I am not usually a Steve Harvey fan, but he was helping me escape what I was ignoring for at least a little while.  Yesterday I rode my bike into campus and I enjoyed the ride.  There is something about letting your mind wander whilst you feel the wind rush through your hair that makes you feel alive.  Maybe this means I need to invest in a motorcycle again.  I don't know how often I will be able to post this semester.  I will try to get my fitness on wherever I can, but I am taking full-time classes.  After toting kids back and forth to daycare as well as using my brain cells to remember information, I have very little energy to do anything else.  Not to mention that I still have the house to take care of.  Oh crap, I am getting stressed out just thinking about it.  It's a conundrum isn't it?  If you take the time to work out, you will have more energy to get through the day, but where can you find the time?  I already have to wake up at 6:30 to be to class by 9.  Oh geez, I gotta quit complaining and find the time.  It'll be better for me in the long run.